Since August there have been more new “versions” of Mitt Romney than the iPhone has had since its inception. There’s been Romney versions:
1) International statesman (see overseas foot-in-mouth tour)
2) Serious and specific deficit hawk (see VP selection)
3) Warm and fuzzy hubby and granddad (see GOP convention)
3S) Tax-overpaying IRS philanthropist (see 2011 tax returns)
4) Pre-existing condition hating, Romenycare bragging healthcare reformer (see 180-degree flip flop)
4S) Arab spring-hating, Israel loving, Iran threatening Commander-in-Chief-in-Training (see staggering demagoguery)
And at the first presidential debate Wednesday night, the campaign is poised to roll out the all new Romney5 – rumored to be a sleeker, more powerful Ronald Reagan clone with a killer Don Rickles app.
Early adapters of previous Romney releases are extremely excited, lining up in droves to get a glimpse of the new, improved Republican nominee. The promised upgrades and additions include:
Zingers – a brand new app of pithy one-liners and insult attacks designed to get President Obama all bent out of shape and turn him into a smug Angry Bird in front of the world. This is the biggest upgrade to the Romney5, which promises a full array of snarky pre-programmed sound bites much like Siri herself.
Because heaven knows, nothing helps a highly unlikable candidate become more likable than being sarcastic and snarky to a highly popular sitting president. Just ask Bob Dole, who tried going nasty against Bill Clinton in their 1996 debates. All that got him was 159 Electoral College votes and a gig hawking Viagra. And Bob Dole was more likable than Mitt Romney!
Specifics – This high-demand feature has been promised for a long time. And though earlier Romney versions have tried to deliver on this functionality, it has never worked quite right, even when Romney surrogates have tried to jailbreak their older model Romneys to add their own specifics.
Likability – There is a lot of speculation as to whether this app will actually be a part of the new version, or will be held back until after the election. Like the Specifics app, earlier versions of this functionality have never worked as promised. Even the highly touted Ann Romney Charm app has a reputation for crashing repeatedly.
Fact Checker – The Romney5 will come with an automatic presidential fact-checker, programmed to point out Obama’s alleged lies about his record. Like the demonstrable lie about saving the auto industry…or the obvious untruth about inheriting an economy in free-fall…or the outrageous distortion about giving the orders to find and kill bin Laden…or the statistical lie of having net positive record of creating private sector jobs…or the damnable lie of having a Republican congress that has thwarted his every attempt to advance the economic recovery. When confronted with such lies, the Romney5 will vibrate, flash and sound an alarm to alert the nation to the alternative reality as Romney wants us to believe it.
Warning: The Fact Checker app will only work if there are no real fact checkers watching the debate.
Bigger, Presidential casing – Earlier Romney versions came off as too small and light-weight, not quite up to the pounding of a four year Oval Office term. Romney5 will somehow appear bigger, weightier and easier to grasp. But don’t worry – the newest Romney will still fit in the pocket of his big money donors and corporate lobbyists.
Whether consumers will respond to the new, much hyped Romney5 remains to be seen. Even Romney team insiders admits they need to win back a lot of market share to be competitive in November.
The turnaround artist is running out of turnaround chances. If the Romney5 doesn’t wow the public, it’s looking like most of them will stick with the Obama1 they’ve come to know and be comfortable with.