It has occurred to me over the years, and after an awful situation with my soon to be in-laws, and upon talking with many a married person that have had in-laws for years, that in-laws are often an awful occurrence. An occurance that so to many have tolerated years over and that leaving holiday times in tears is a usual occurrence, not to imply that it is an acceptable habit.
In-laws can be a continuous negative means to an ultimately beautiful end. Yes, they made your partner, but that doesn’t give them the entitlement, or the right to treat you as an outsider, as a person who is unworthy of the most basic ounce of respect.
Many people have told me, after over 10 years of marriage that they wish they had set the bar higher and early with their mother in- law, and re-assured me that standing my ground now, though it is difficult, will pave the way to an easier future.
I was honestly shocked by this because I am so used to seeing people just putting up with some pretty awful stations. Honestly, the thought of spending countless holidays with disrespectful witches is never a fun thing, unless they are the real kind, or it is Halloween.
That being said, to the future mother-in-laws of the world, especially those of men, you need to embrace the person he decides to love, regardless of if they follow the rules that you have set for your preciouses little boy-man genius.
Here is why, men are men, and being men, they are no longer your little boy. Men make decisions and expect those who care about them to love and support them.
Men stand up to mommy dearest, and mommy dearest will become just that, a foggy memory of what they thought was a wonderful person only to be forced to look into the mirror. To look at all the memories and mishaps, of all the negative things dear mommy has done in the past and guess what? They will see a pattern, one that you, mommy dearest, have tried countless times in vain to cover.
Mom has now lost all her edge in the endless game she is playing. A true borderline type of behavior pattern, where mom is always the victim of some injustice, and nothing is ever her fault. All her over-lording is now in plain view for the world to see, for her son to see, and all those years of supposed injustice are now turned into what she truly is, the cold reality, an angry unenlightened cold ‘insert cuss word.’A sorry excuse of a woman. A waste of space where once stood someone worth fighting for, someone worth fighting with.
Personally, as a mother to a son, I will love the woman, or man whom my son and future children decide to spend his/their life with. I will be so happy that he has found someone with whom he has decided he can share everything with, even if I don’t approve. Here is why, I know how lonely and awful life can be. If my son is lucky enough to find a person, or many people along the way, who can make the harsh realities of this world even a little easier, then I welcome that day with open arms.
One would think that as a mother, that all mothers would do this for their children. After all, as mothers, don’t we all want what is best for our children? Don’t we all try to do everything right and proper so that they have the best futures? Sure we think we do. However misguided our actions, or enlightened they might be, there is a point in which one must turn the reigns over and allow our children to drive. If we don’t, we inadvertently stunt their growth as humans, or lose them entirely.
A little advice to future and current mother in laws. Stop treating the person your child has, or will, marry like crap. For that person, that person will someday have your grandchild, and your grandchild being made out of half of that partnership, you are not entitled to see said grandchild just because you birthed the spouse. It takes two people to make a baby who will some day grow up with either good memories of you, or remembering you as a terrible person who treated their parent horribly. If you have children, then you know how protective they can be about their own mothers, they wont be taking granny’s side. As youth, they will be taking their mothers side, just as your son used to, before you became known as a monster-in-law.
As you have taught your children, your children shall teach you. Your actions dictate the consequences of life. Should you choose to treat the future parent of your grandchild with grave disrespect, the reality is, you will most likely not be in your child’s life, let alone the life of your grandchild. This is provided the new daughter-in-law, or son-in-law has a backbone. In this day and age, the fact of the matter is, we as 30-somethings take less flack from our elders. We, as the future and current generation of the world, demand respect and give respect, and if you do not respect us, we do not respect you, and you are gone. We are much more likely to write you off permanently, and not just feel it to be proper, but know that it was the right choice.
What we have learned from your generation is just how short life is, and we refuse to be abused. We absolutely will not tolerate belittlement, or being treated as lesser-than by anyone, especially by people who aren’t our true blood family.
In this day and age, we as a society work on our problems more than any in the past. We have knowledge and abilities to grow as individual humans, and as people in a community. To sit stagnant in our own filth, perpetuating a cycle of abuse from your husbands mother, aka your in-law, and now onto your children’s partners is disgusting, misguided, unenlightened, uneducated, undignified, classless, and cold hearted.
It is a state of being, a state of mind, that is both unacceptable and will not be tolerated by myself or many people of my generation who have seen what our elders have done. Things that have been done so irreversibly wrong, and in learning, yes learning from both your mistakes and those we, as humans have made ourselves, we will not be taking those same behaviors and teaching them to our children. Nor, will we be letting you teach such things to our offspring or allow you, said elder, who holds no valuable knowledge, so you do not deserve the title, we will not allow you to dictate our lives, or actions.
Future and current mother-in-laws be warned. My generation and many generations to come stand up for our rights, we are strong women with minds and lives of our own, we aren’t just “Mrs. So and so,” we are our own individuals with thoughts, emotions, and feelings and we will not be a door mat to your frustrations and ineptitude.
There is nothing more ugly in this world than unfounded hatred, bias, or prejudice, and there are many forms of each ideology, all of which spawn a proverbial abyss of negativity that this writer, and many other people of the world will no longer tolerate. We thank you for birthing our husbands, our life partners. We thank the sky above that some how our partners were able to escape, and face your farce of an idea on what family is, and how wonderful they turned out, most likely in spite of your hypocrisy. However, we do not thank you. For how could one thank any person for such actions as hatred, complete hypocrisy and ugliness, I refuse.
One of the most beneficial things we as humans can do to relieve stress and negativity from our lives is to let go, let be, and move on. If you are about to receive the gift of an in-law, especially one who hasn’t done anything wrong to your precious person, you should embrace them. Or at the very least let them start from 0 and work their way up.
Remember, the world doesn’t revolve around you as the mother of a son. It hasn’t since your child turned into a teenager, and then went off on their own, into the world. Your child needs space and the respect to be a proactive adult, and live their own lives. Let them make mistakes, as mistakes can often lead to beautiful enlightenment and are often not seen as mistakes by those who make them.
Let your child learn on their own. Let them be individuals in a chaotic world, because life isn’t fair, and no one will work on your terms in the real world. The real world doesn’t care that you are said persons mommy. After all, we all have mothers even if we don’t like them, even if they weren’t present and they weren’t perfect, but every single one of us came from two people, and while it is special, it isn’t absolute.
No one is entitled to anything, being a good mother is something that is earned, it is a title that I will wear proud because I know that when I meet my son’s first girlfriend I will give her a hug because she is making my son smile. When he meets someone who he wants to marry I will sing out of joy, for such a thing is so beautiful that I wouldn’t want him to miss out on it simply because I am a horrible person. I will know that I have guided him to the best of my abilities, and trust that he knows both himself, and his place in the world to make such decisions, because I know in my heart of hearts that I have prepared him the best I can for what the world will bring.
I know that I as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as an aunt I am not entitled to anything in the lives of my family, and my status in my family is contingent upon my actions and attitude.
We can not control what others do or want. What we can control is ourselves and our decisions. It’s time to start taking responsibility for our lives. We aren’t children anymore and my elders should be just that, elders who have knowledge and patience. Be it idealistic on my end to think such wonderful things, but I refuse to respect those who disrespect me, and I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
We all have a place, and I can guarantee you that your place is not in my marriage, and if you don’t play your cards right regardless of your title, your place will not be in my life. It really is that simple, though it boggles my mind that the generation that lived and breathed supposed “respect” hardly dishes it out, though they think they deserve it, even when undeserved as though one should worship the ground they walk on simply because they breath air. It’s laughable.
It is time to stop acting like impossible hell-bent mommy dearest devils, and start respecting the decisions of those around you. For you, my dear women aren’t the be all, end all of your children’s world any more. I say this both as a soon to be married woman, and a mother to a male child myself, as well as looking back on what my mother had to deal with, with my fathers family bad mouthing her all the time. The utmost disrespect I can give my child, when he is a grown man, is to not accept his decisions or the people he comes to love over what I hope to be the many years I am around to enjoy it.
I don’t want to be the mother who never knows what is going on in her children’s life because the children know just how close minded I am. I want to be the mother who’s children respect and love her. The mother who’s children can’t wait to tell everything about who they love, and why they love them.
There is nothing more beautiful in the world than love, the love of a mother and child, the love of friends, the love of family, the love of partners in life, it’s time for people to stop muddying the waters with their emotional turmoil and start making their world, and the peoples world around them just a little brighter, through kindness, not close minded self-centeredness. It’s really that simple.
In the terms of beauty and fashion, over-lording mother in laws are so last season, the fresh new look of the now and the future, sees such people as hurtful laughable relics of the past, a past that we can all laugh upon when we are old. Our children will be thankful that their mothers took a real stand against abuse, prejudice and bias from their partners mothers and said, ENOUGH! You will not treat any of us in such a way.
It is upon us, this generation of married people, it is our responsibility now to set the tide for future generations. There is not one reason in the world to tolerate disrespect in the home and we, as parents are the teachers of our children. It is our duty to teach our children not to accept intolerable behavior, not just from the world and strangers, but from our own back yard.