In the history of “lines,” my friends and I have heard some amusingly lackluster ones. I even wrote an article about it because we had accumulated so much good material! But I recentely heard the wildest line of my life (so far) when I was on a business trip. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry… let me set the scene.
After a long day of work, I checked into my hotel for night one of a three night business trip. I enjoy my job and the travel that comes with it, so I was in a good mood, in spite of being tired. I ordered dinner in, had a lovely time not cooking and watching some tv, then I went outside for an evening cigarette. (Don’t smoke, kids.) When I went out onto the smoking area, there was already a man standing there. Rather than standing in awkward silence for the length of my lung capacity, I struck up a polite conversation. He seemed startled at first, then we fell into a relaxed conversation about nothing in particular. I must admit that I noticed he was attractive: nice hands, hazel eyes, taller than me, well spoken, and I suspected he was military or ex-military, based on his posture and mannerisms. So we both finished our cigarettes and walked inside. We ended up riding the elevator to the same floor, and he said, “maybe I’ll see you next smoke-break.” I smiled (and probably blushed).
Next time I went outside, he was there. We ended up talking for about an hour; it was really nice- a relaxed conversation with some charming flirting here and there. I finally found out that I was correct. He was indeed active military and he seemed pretty impressed that I could tell. I realized that I was staying up too late, considering that I had to work in the morning, but I was having fun. I like meeting new people; of course, it doesn’t hurt that he was intelligent, witty, and attractive. Major bonus: he actually seemed interested in me in a non-creepy way! The thing is, I have a well-documented history of creepers… I have had my hair pulled in gas stations, my (albeit very nice) butt patted/pinched/grabbed in several different locations, been sniffed too many times to count, etc. Most of it is slightly amusing after I put said creeper in his creeping place (which I am very good at) and makes great stories to entertain the masses, but it is also kind of annoying and leads inevitibly to varying depths of “why aren’t slightly normal men attracted to me” depression. (Whaaaaaa)
We said goodnight and parted ways, agreeing that we’d see each other tomorrow. The next evening, we continued the pattern we’d established the night before. He bought me a few drinks and we enjoyed the game of flirting. When I finally said it was getting late and I needed to get to sleep, he invited himself to join me. Now, I am not a prude. I am fairly outgoing and VERY straightforward… but I’m not generally the kind of person who would do that. I figure that if I did, I would be the chick who ends up murdered and wrapped in a cheap duvet cover. (Morbid, I know… but I’d rather be cautios and a little goofy than stupid and a little dead.) I’m not going to lie. I definitely thought about it for a minute… but then I said no.
And then it got more interesting. He raised his left hand and said, “just so you know, I’m technically married. But we’re having trouble, so you don’t have to feel bad about that.” That struck me, because I had checked is hand. I said, “you don’t even have a tan line there.” He commented on how cool it is that I’m that observant and said, “see! We’ve been having problems for so long that I haven’t worn my ring in a really long time. You don’t have to worry about it.”
And there I was thinking this was different. (Silly Kelly, you are the pied-piper of creepers.) After I assured him I had no interest in doing that to another woman and definitely not to myself, he became even more charming. Aside from the comedy of it all, what really got me is ‘does anybody take those lines seriously?’ His attempts at reassuring me and smoothing the way were all well and good but here’s the thing: I’ve heard them a few times before. And they’re never true. Ever.
I am not perfect, but I do not need to lower my opinion of myself by being an easy pawn to assuage his out of town angst. He said, “I can tell you like me.” I told him he was correct. I did like him before but I got over it. His final attempt was “I promise you; my wife and I are barely even together. You don’t have to worry about it. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know the interest is definitely there.”
My final response: “I’m not uncomfortable. I’m armed.” Anyone who knows me well knows that that was absolutely true. I finsished the rest of my business trip by enjoying my work and food that I didn’t have to cook. He finished his by going through nicotine withdrawal. C’est la vie.