There are literally hundreds of organizations and movements geared towards fighting for the best interests of the public. It’s no argument that groups like M.A.D.D. and S.A.D.A. are important, but there is still one major cause for concern that neither mothers or students have yet to focus on: the Louisville Cardinal fan. So, I have proposed my own acronym. C.C.A.L.F. – Concerned Citizens Against Louisville Fans.
Almost everyone probably knows one of these people. Some of them go to work and make important decisions or go into schools and teach our children. What a scary thought! Yes, more than likely some of these people are holding food service jobs, but ask yourself this: “Do I really want a Louisville fan handling my Big N’ Tasty?” That answer should be “No,” promptly followed by concern over your questionable lunch choice. The point is, these people are out there. You may even be a friend or relative to one of these people. Here are five general guidelines to help you better pinpoint the Louisville fans in your life…and hopefully get them some help.
This should be an easy one. While some Louisville fans don the traditional red and white garbs of their school, some tend to be more subtle about their fandom. You can find these folks in a pair of JNCO or FUBU jeans with an oversized hooded sweatshirt and possibly a flat-billed hat for flair. Also, be on the lookout for Ed Hardy and Affliction t-shirts, the Louisville kids love those.
- The Line Beard
The Louisville fan also has a distinct facial hair pattern, called a “line beard.” In case you aren’t familiar with this term, you can distinguish this look from other beards by its characteristically pencil-like thinness. Imagine an eyeliner pen being used to draw along the jaw line from one side of the head to the other, connecting the sideburns. The overwhelming majority of line beards will be found on the faces of men, but don’t be surprised to catch a couple of ladies rocking it as well.
Louisville fans smell like Louisville. If you haven’t had the displeasure of visiting, then I will save you the time. It stinks.
- Poor Rationale Skills
It is a well-known fact that Louisville hates Kentucky, and trust me, the feeling is mutual. Actually, Louisville fans hate Kentucky more than they love Louisville. But there always seems to be one big hole in the Louisville fan’s logic: Louisville is in Kentucky. Yeah, maybe they are aware of this…maybe.
On top of that, they are just plain rude. I found this quote from a forum on scout.com about some UK fans wearing Kentucky apparel to a Louisville scrimmage game, “If I was sitting in ear shot of them, I would just go on and on about UK probations in the past and how they will pale in comparison to what they should get with that dirt bag of a coach they have there now. The moment they try and start something, I would start a ‘C-A-R-D-S’ chant or a ‘UK sucks’ chant. Then go back to discussing with whoever I am with about how much they cheat. I would never initiate any conversation with them and ignore completely.”
Thanks LordChewie, for making it so easy to use you as an example. And come on, man. Kentucky doesn’t even have a “Louisville sucks” chant, and well, they actually do suck. This sort of misguided thinking can lead to a number of things. In the case of the Louisville fan, it usually results in an inferiority complex. But to be fair, it is probably pretty hard to deal with walking around always knowing you’re second best.
- Crown Royal
Enjoying a nice alcoholic beverage doesn’t signify that you are a Louisville fan (though I’d assume that a few drinks could help you cope if you were.) An overly passionate lust for Crown Royal, on the other hand, may. If you know someone who pairs this drink with a Black & Mild cigar, it is time to panic. It is also advised to be on the lookout for quilts made out of poorly sewn-together Crown Royal bags, for that is a Louisville fan’s throw of choice when lying down for the night after losing to UK.
Don’t be alarmed if you realize that your son’s beard is frighteningly thin or that your brother-in-law takes a shining to wearing his hat sideways. It is paramount to remember that these could be isolated incidents. Take a minute to compose yourself and refer back to these examples as a checklist of sorts. If someone you love demonstrates three or more of the above qualities, it is time for concern. Show them last year’s UK/UL meeting in the Final Four. Take them to Lexington to see all the banners hanging in Rupp Arena. Remind them that their beloved Rick Pitino got his big break at Kentucky. If all else fails, seek out a psychiatrist.