Hey, I heard you missed us… we’re back.
Fourteen DWTS seasons are in the books, so it’s only fitting that we follow reality-show form and get treated to all All-Star season. Almost half the cast this go-round are winners, so it’s anyone’s game at this point.
The Celebriquarium is open for business, Tom is polishing his brand new Emmy, and the paddles now have .5s on them, so without further ado…
Away we go:
Joey & Kym (Cha-Cha-Cha) – And just like that, things kick off with a bang. Joey’s tight, Kym’s getting whipped around like a wild pony, and if their Cha-Cha-Cha is any indication, we’re in for a smokin’ hot season.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 7, Bruno: 7
Shawn & Derek (Foxtrot) – Perky little bubbly girl is dancing like it’s Week 8! But Len (the cup of tea in a world of lattes) can only muster a “she’s a good dancer”. Ouch.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 6.5, Bruno: 7.5
Sabrina & Louis (Cha-Cha-Cha) – The audience vote-in winner looks more like Chelsie in a ferocious Cha-Cha-Cha. Little missy’s dancing like she’s got somethin’ to prove. Damn!
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7.5, Len: 7.5, Bruno: 7.5
Hélio & Chelsie (Foxtrot) – Can we just pause for a moment and come to the quick realization that everyone is tearing the place up? This is going to be a season when a teensy little slip will mean the difference between first place and a trip to the red light district. Helio knocks it out of the park, too. Four dances in, and I can’t spot any major differences between any of them.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7.5, Bruno: 7
Pamela & Tristan (Cha-Cha-Cha) – She may feel ‘under-doggie’, but even Pammy didn’t embarrass herself. She’s the weakest of the bunch so far, but not by much.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 5.5, Len: 5.5, Bruno: 6
Melissa & Tony (Foxtrot) – Len’s calls it too theatrical (in a show that’s more theatrical than Judy Garland, Jerome Robbins, and Joel Grey put together). She wasn’t as extended on her kicks as she could have been (hey, I’m just being honest), but she’s got Tony firmly in her corner. Solid start.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7
Apolo & Karina (Cha-Cha-Cha) – I may not be a good judge of whether he’s a thousand times sexier than he was during the first go-round, but the neon-fueled craziness was certainly entertaining. And how ’bout Karina’s blinky earrings? Awesome.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7.5, Len: 7, Bruno: 7.5
Gilles & Peta (Foxtrot) – The dance of the night so far. So smooth, so graceful, and so spot-on. The man is on a mission to redeem himself for his previous runner-up finish, and he’s off to a killer start. Apparently the ladies think he’s dreamy, too… so there’s that.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Bruno: 8
Bristol & Mark (Cha-Cha-Cha) – Mark wants her to ooze sex and let that ass go nuts. Oh well. Would “trip around like a drunk woman stripping for the first time” suffice?
Scores: Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 6.5, Bruno: 6.5
Drew & Anna (Foxtrot) – If Bristol is the most improved since her first time (Carrie Ann’s words… not mine!), Drew is the one who I think has slipped the most. He looked a little lost, and he wasn’t nearly as polished as, say, Gilles or Apolo. C’mon, dude, you won this thing once.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7.5
Kelly & Val – If Val can get over her big, huge (insert hand motions here) breasts, these guys might actually do okay. It’s been seven years since she took home the very first Mirrorball, and she’s never even done the Cha-Cha-Cha, but she pulled it off. Slammin’.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7.5
Kirstie & Maks – Boy, the Chmerkovskiy boys have a bit of a boobs obsession, no? In the interest of full disclosure I’ll reveal (yeah, like it’s a secret) that I was never a Kirstie fan the first time, and she’s not doing anything to win me over so far this time, either. She’s perfectly fine as a dancer, but compared to the rest of the gang, I can’t imagine she’ll be around longer than three or four weeks. (…much to Tom’s dismay, I imagine. Pucker up!)
Scores: Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 6, Bruno: 6.5
Emmitt & Cheryl (Foxtrot) – I could never figure out how he did it the first time, and I’m still at a loss. Emmitt can flat. out. dance. He’s lighter on his feet than a ballerina, and smoother than– well, something that’s really smooth. Good thing they weren’t judging Cheryl’s hair, though. What was that?
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8.5, Bruno: 8
Emmitt – 24.5
Gilles – 24
Sabrina – 22.5
Shawn – 22
Apolo – 22
Drew – 21.5
Kelly – 21.5
Hélio – 21.5
Melissa – 21
Joey – 20.5
Bristol – 19.5
Kirstie – 19
Pamela – 17
Tomorrow night, star number one gets the boot, and the Biebs performs. See you then.
I’ll be here all season, so go ahead– follow me on Twitter!