Two hours is apparently how long it takes for Tom to announce that someone (my money’s on Pamela) is going home.
In all actuality it takes, what, five seconds? So that leaves one hour, fifty-nine minutes, and fifty-five seconds (including commercials) of filler.
Grab your Snuggie, a bowl (or six) of popcorn, and settle in folks. Away we go…
We begin with the spotlight on Bristol. After a quick interview, Tom reminds us that Mark is (bang! pop!) fierce.
An hour and fifty-four minutes left!
Next up is Kelly and Val. Kelly talks about feeding off the energy in the room. Tom rolls tape of Val showing us he has no idea who Kelly is or what General Hospital is. Val says it’s because he’s half her age, but that just shows he doesn’t know what math is, either. He’s 26, she’s 36.
After a commercial, we’re back floor-side with Pamela and Tristan. She hopes she sticks around at least until next week, and Tristan says they’re just going to work hard and be happy.
… and we’re barely fifteen minutes in. Anyone still with me?
Guys’ turn now. Joey, Apolo, and Drew all take turns telling why they signed up for the return trip. Joey just wants to beat Apolo (and hopefully refrain from peeing all over the floor in the process). Drew says some things have changed since Season 2 (the special effects), some things haven’t (the dancing). Apolo says he’s happy being in the middle of the pack, and that his neon leopard-print suspenders had nothing to do with it.
Helio’s turn. Tom rolls tape of Chelsie learning that Brazilians (like Helio) speak Portuguese, and South Americans (unlike Helio) speak Spanish. And that Helio is not Portuguese.
Melissa says she’s doing it all for her daughter.
After the break, we get a Gilles montage that features hunky boy professing (a wee bit too much) that he’s not a dancer.
Forty minutes in, and we’re finally reminded that the judges exist. Len defends the low(ish) scores from last night and invites Emmitt and Cheryl to do the spotlight dance. Seriously, Emmitt trips me out. He’s like a tree… but with moves! After the dance, he tells Tom it’s all about being in the zone. And Cheryl’s hair, fortunately, has come back down to Earth.
Coming back from break (at 8:48), Tom tells us we’re 13 minutes away from the first results of the night. My math is better than Val’s, so I’ll let you know that basically the entire first hour is a wash, and at 9:01, we’ll find ourselves in the Red Light District.
Shawn and Derek are up next. Newsflash: Shawn’s short. Another newsflash: Derek has noticed.
Still another newsflash: Sabrina feels pressure since the only reason she’s here is because of the fans’ votes. And Louis is expecting death threats if they don’t win– which, I’m sure, helps put Sabrina’s mind at ease.
Last up is Kirstie and Maks. She likes spying on the competition from the rafters.
And if THAT wasn’t the best hour of your life, we’ll stay tuned, people. The Biebs is on the way!
Let’s begin hour two.
After a jazzy little ensemble number of the pros and DWTS troupe (What, no Macy’s Stars of Dance this season?) we finally get our first trip to the Red Light District. Joey, Bristol, Apolo, and Shawn await their fate.
Shawn and Apolo are safe. Bristol? Not so much. And Joey is safe.
Pitbull, glow sticks, a smoke machine, and lasers combine for a smorgasbord of nuttiness, and then it’s time for more results.
Helio and Kelly (and her breasts) are all safe. Drew is in jeopardy (but not really).
Video montage number 26 features the stars telling us how nerve-racking the show is. Anyone can go at any time. You always have to bring your ‘A’ game. The competition is fierce. The stars are going to have to work harder than ever. There’s no time for error. Yadda yadda yadda.
After another nifty bit of hoofing from ye olde troupe, Sabrina, Gilles, and Emmitt find themselves on the chopping block. Tom announces that Gilles and Emmitt are ‘all’ safe, leading Sabrina to think she’s included, too. Not so fast! On second thought, yeah, she’s safe, too.
Bieber’s up next, slinkin’ around in a leather garbage bag get up. Snazzy, bro.
The last group is Kirstie, Pamela, and Melissa. Kirstie’s coming back. Melissa’s coming back. Pamela, well, probably won’t be.
So it comes down to Drew, Pamela, and Bristol.
Bristol gets the happy news first, and finally, at 9:58, after almost two full hours of filler, silliness, and gratuitous time-killing…
Pamela gets the heave-ho.
Now that we’ve pretty much separated the wheat from the chaff (Bristol not included), we can get down to business.
Next week– more dances and star number two goes home. See you then.
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