Yeah, great. You picked up a pen or pencil, jotted down some words that formed a sentence, and then another. Suddenly, you have a paragraph or two. Maybe a page then, and Viola! A story is born! Or you turned on your computer, waited for the monitor to come to life with it’s ever so familiar glow, and you blogged about something. Probably about that restaurant you visited, or how much you enjoy abstract 18th century Austrian architecture. Cool. But who cares? Are you really a writer? Technically yes. You put some words together and wrote something. But trust me, no one cares. You’re not a writer and neither am I. If only you would follow my 10 simple rules to becoming a rich and famous writer in 10 easy steps, you may even become a rich and famous writer. In 10 easy steps. So away we go!
#1. Write what you know. Or don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Someone will believe you, and there is no chance anyone will do any research concerning what you’ve written because you will never be famous. Or rich. So you’re lost to history anyway.
#2. Attend writing groups such as are available at www.meetup.com. Here you will meet many other aspiring writers who are just as bad as you are. But they’ll tell you you’re not quite as good as they are.
#3. Practice your craft everyday. Wether it’s writing a stupid love poem or a complaint letter to the local utilities commission that will never be read, practice makes perfect. Unless it doesn’t.
#4. Always enter online contests that promise potential monetary winnings that never pay up and probably steal your work anyway. There is a lesson to be learned there, let me tell you.
#5. See the first 4 rules and review.
#6. Sit and stare at a blank piece of paper (or computer screen) for hours on end. That’s what I’m doing right now. Trust me, it works.
#7. I do not condone drinking in excess, but that also works. Trust me. I’m doing that right now.
Number #8. Read a lot of words. Books, newspapers, street signs. There’s always a word that jumps right out at you that you never forget. A word that sets you off on your own amazing literary journey. For me, that word has always been ‘schlafzimmer’.
#9. Number 9. Niner. #9. Pay no attention to what people say about your work. They’ll say you’re a great writer to your face, then say quite awful things behind your back. It’s simply the human condition. Which you can probably learn about at www.wikipedia.com.
#10. This is the most important step of all, so I guess it should’ve been #1. I think I did this backwards. Oh well. #10. DON’T LISTEN TO ME. I mean, what do I know? I’m no writer.
So those are my top 10 proven techniques to becoming a rich and famous writer. I hope this helps you on your journey, because it sure hasn’t helped me.